I know no one wants to hear it. I don’t even want to hear it! But I just get so angry at how things are. By conventional measures things are actually pretty amazing for me. But often all I can see is how SO messed up it all is.
I used to be mad at the environment destroyers, the rich and the bigots. Now I see all that as symptoms of the breakdown in community and human connection. So I am just mad at God, I guess. Which ultimately, if I believe in God (and I do more and more), doesn’t even make sense because if she does exist then there’s nothing to worry about! Yet there it is- the anger and of course below it the sadness.
I am sad that it’s just us three alone in our house most of the time. Yeah, we have play dates (although they are frustratingly difficult to fit around naptime), have friends for dinner, go to the park etc. But the park? It’s a bunch of strangers- Ellie doesn’t know the kids, why the hell would she play with them, like I used to imagine she might. Sometimes an older girl will take Ellie under her wing and it is the sweetest thing. Then we wave bye bye and never see her again.
Obviously this is my problem with myself. I don’t have any close regular friendships. It’s probably because I am always sad about not having any close regular friendships. But also it seems like without a work community or a church community or something it is nearly impossible to have regular connection. I would go to UU if it weren’t in the middle of fucking naptime.
So I guess I am mad at God that in our society it is so hard to socialize with young children. These years that are probably the most precious of my life are tainted by isolation and thus EXTREME frustration and anger. And this to me is a tragic tragic loss. I am not sure how to make lemonade from these lemons.
Great, so move to a commune. Easy right? Well, we’ll see. First we might try a cohousing community. Because it is more accessible to us immediately. There won’t be regular friends around every moment but likely at least there will be more familiar faces at the shared playground and over dinner at the weekly potluck and maybe I can kick off a regular Sunday morning waffle breakfast in the common kitchen…
I know truly the point is to achieve peace wherever I am. But I just can’t quite get there from here. And that really is the true frustration, that these precious moments are being wasted to wanting it to be different. I can’t quite put my finger on what how to get past that. But I hope I figure it out soon. Suggestions are welcome. In the meantime thanks for bearing with me while I work it out.